Have your own back

Recently a weird thing has been happening, almost-total-strangers have been asking really personal questions about how I fared in the acquisition of companies I worked for. Like, point-blank asking a stranger how much money they have. What the fuck.

My 'what the fuckness' wasn't coming through in those conversations. I wasn't able to clearly indicate my discomfort. My priority was on the stranger, making them feel ok about the awkward situation they'd just created.

Many of us were raised to be people-pleasers, taught to bend ourselves around corners if necessary to make someone else feel comfortable, even if your back breaks in the process.

So you accommodate the hug you don't want, smile at the joke you were offended by, take notes in the meeting for the hundredth time, answer the call from the family member who berates and harms you. Smile with gritted teeth, honey, the frown is unbecoming.

Here's the problem: you teach people how to treat you. Every interaction is a lesson. When you forfeit your own comfort and self-respect out of politeness, you lose an opportunity to have your own back. Why would we have the back of a total stranger over our own?

Those of us who are conditioned to please need to break that pattern. It won't happen every time, and it will take consistent practice. The next time you're in a situation where someone says something off or the phone rings and it's someone who doesn't treat you with love— pause. Give yourself time to consider your automatic people-pleaser response.

Ask yourself: Does this response serve my best interests?

If the answer is no, change the response. Pause after the awkward question to indicate your discomfort, and then tell the person you don't discuss that. Refuse the weird hug. Tell the joker that it wasn't funny. Let the call go to voicemail. Decide that from now on, you'll have your back.