The Dame Tips: The Sex Edition

Congrats, darlings – January is the Monday of the year and you’re almost on the other side. Now first thing right out the gate is a warning for readers, especially those that somehow still have pure ideals about me as a person. First, if this is the case you should be asking yourself how well you really know me. Second, if you want to retain this odd perception of me as an innocent you might want to cease reading here. I know you love me and support me in everything I do (and I’m so terribly grateful) but I need to talk about sex with my disciples now. Believe it or not, The Dame does have relatives and if you’re one of them, please stop reading here.

Naturally, this month’s topic is sex. Do I love Valentine’s Day? You bet I fucking do. Red is my colour (when I’m not wearing black), conversation hearts are a seasonal delight, and whether or not its modern iteration is influenced by Big Greeting Card and the Lingerie Lobby, it’s a holiday devoted to love and sex, which are, upon serious reflection, my two favourite things. Love… I have a lot to say about love. I love love. When I fall, I am a very devoted partner. However, I’m a little miffed with how busy my Manfriend has been lately, so this one is all about sex, because unlike romance, sex is something you can do very enjoyably by yourself. (I’m not negating self-love, naturally, that is the very ethos of The Dame.) I tried telling him, ‘All work and no Dame makes Manfriend a dull… but successful person’, but to little avail. Baby, my sun, moon and rising signs are all fire – I am a passionate woman who waits for no one. And neither should you, dear readers! So, let’s get off! I mean, let’s begin.

  • Practice self-love. I hope the headline didn’t confuse you, because I’m not nearly that wholesome. If you know me in life you’ve probably heard me say this: do yourself a favour and invest in your orgasm. Whether your take the plunge with a marvelous satin finish Swedish vibrator or perhaps experiment with a little self-adhesive bondage tape, don’t be afraid to try something new. Again, let me be clear on this: you do not need to have a partner present to have sex, and in fact, spending a little quality time with yourself will likely enhance coitus with your partner(s) – (honey, you get no judgement from me.) Nervous about getting yourself a new toy? Don’t know where to start? The folks at your local Stag Shop are extremely friendly, terribly knowledgeable and completely untroubled by your sexual proclivities. Still feeling shy? Shop online! My recommendation: Come As You Are – a super inclusive feminist Canadian sex store cooperative. They love and believe in everything you see on the site and provide very honest descriptions of the products and what you can expect. Give it a try – I know you’ll be coming back for more. (God, puns turn me on.)

  • Don’t fake orgasms. I shouldn’t have to tell you this. I know, sometimes your partner is just working so hard and you want to reward them for their effort, I get it, but if you’re doing it on a regular basis, you’re not actually doing yourself any favours. I know that it can be hard to tell your partner exactly what you want in bed; we all find that a little awkward every now and then, but you should, and if you’re having trouble here’s what you do: have phone sex. Honestly, if you’re in separate places and have some privacy, start by telling your partner what you’d do to them. (I know this is kind of corny but stay with me.) After a couple minutes your conversation will likely take a natural turn to what fires you and your partner up most, which is a great way for you both to pick up a few things for next time. On the other hand, if your sex life is important to you and your partner isn’t open to hearing how best to get you off, it might be time to say, as I hear the kids do these days, “thank u, next”.

  • As Salt-n-Pepa said, it’s none of your business. Not only is this a great song with an excellent message, but it’s also a great motto to take and share with others who need a reminder: love is love, sex is sex, and as long as it’s consensual, safe and no one is getting hurt, who gives a fuck who someone is fucking. As an expert hedonist, I say get it with whoever and as many people as you like. I can confirm that Drake was indeed right when he said “YO-LO” and life is far, far too short to be taken too seriously, or to be spent without pleasure or love. Shit, how did I start talking about love? Sigh. Don’t tell anyone I have a mushy centre, ‘kay?

Well my dears, all this talk about sex has me rather in the mood. I think its time I stop pouting at my Manfriend for his impressive work ethic because in all honesty he does remind me of another Salt-N-Pepa song and for that I am grateful. That said, I have been forced to have patience for far too long, so Manfriend, darling, if you’re reading this (and I know you are) – you’re calling in sick today.

Wishing you a happy end to Dry January, and hoping your February is very… wet.


The Dame

Ali SchofieldThe Dame