The Dame Tips: Spring Cleaning Edition


The Dame’s Tips for Spring Cleaning

Yes, yes, I know – my treatise to you should have gone out last week. I’d apologize but I’ve been hibernating with Manfriend amid blankets and drinks that warm from the inside, just letting the windows fog up, and I am not a bit sorry (well, maybe a bit, my dears.) I know Mother Nature has been a frosty bitch the last few weeks (god love her), but a little birdie told me that spring is coming early. Still, March is a fickle mistress, and little birdies’ weather predictions sometimes feel like a strategy to prevent a SAD-induced riot. Darling, you must be prepared for anything.

One of the things about this time of year that is true regardless of the weather, is the urge – whether innate or social media-suggested – to do a grand spring cleaning. It seems that in the last month everyone has been going Marie Kondo crazy – Instagram has been awash in so many sartorial purges! Despite being a proud tragic maximalist, I decided to read the book (so I could say that smugly) and ended up having several bags for donation myself. After the process was said and done, I was left only with things that bring me joy: pleated skirts, colourful jackets, strings of pearls and several furs. So, if you see a fabulous looking, albeit topless woman about town, c’est moi.

Whether or not you’ve watched Marie Kondo delight in other people’s messes and jumped on the discard train yourself, I’ve thought of a few (surprisingly practical) other areas of life that could also use your discerning attention.

  • Konmari your contacts list – This may seem harsh, but do you actually know six Mikes? You don’t need to carry the emotional weight of fuckboi apparitions or last year’s fight with your university roommate around with you all day in your phone. Steve is a dick that only wants his wet, and Jenna, well, she’s awful. (There, I said it so you don’t have to.) You haven’t seen Dave since the company Christmas party three years ago, and who is “Kenny Knuckles” anyway? (That’s a question more for myself…) I know when you went through your closet last month there were one or two sweaters you swore you’d wear again, but don’t save someone in your phone (or in your life, for that matter) just because you might want to use them later – that’s what LinkedIn is for.

  • Go on an app deletion rampage – I don’t mean this in the sense of reducing your screen time so you’re more present day to day – darling, you’re an adult, do what you want – but think of all of those games you don’t use that are lurking in the background quietly gathering your information and reporting back to Big Brother. I don’t know about you, dear, but I value my privacy – at least when it comes to Big Data. An old-fashioned idea, I know!

  • Rethink your subscriptions – After weeding out my least beloved books from my giant bookcase (quel nightmare!) I realized I’ve got four years of back issues of Toronto Life in the den and three more unread on the chaise. There’s also an online clothing subscription box I’ve skipped the last four months that I know I should really just cancel. Sweetheart, do yourself a favour and take an hour to consider what comes in the mail, how often you use your streaming services and memberships, and really any recurring payments on your credit card statement. Keep what you love and use daily, and ditch the rest. You’ll end up with less waste around the house, and perhaps a little more cocktail money in your pocket each month. Who can argue with that?

God, I don’t think I’ve ever been so practical. I’d much rather talk about sex and love and drinking, what’s come over me? It’s exhausting. Anyway, when it gets above freezing, throw open those windows, let that fresh air in and scrub those baseboards – they’re disgusting. Just remember spring is a tease: she’ll show you her tits in March but won’t go all the way until late April. So, just in case another snowstorm is in our future, be sure to stock up on the essentials: whiskey, prosecco, cookie dough, fine cheeses and a little charcuterie – if you’re a carnivore. Or just swing by mine: it’s nice and toasty in here.  

Good luck with this misbegotten month, my dears – I’ll see you when the champagne runs out.


The Dame

Ali SchofieldThe Dame