The Dame Tips for Fabulous Living: New Year Edition
The Dame Tips are a monthly guest series by wntta's resident Don Draper: an elegant hedonist who suffers no fools, The Dame herself, writer Ali Schofield.
Happy New Year, my loves. I hope 2019 finds you recovering from a proper hangover with your New Year’s skivvies still dangling from a doorknob. I spent New Year’s Eve drinking champagne in my favourite dress, eating grilled cheese and listening to Benny Goodman records in the comfort of my home. My greatest New Year’s tradition is feeling smug about the fact that I’m not out fighting for a cab or bending to Uber surge rates or buying overpriced tickets to parties or spending even one second in the company of someone I don’t enjoy. I’m sure you’ve deduced by now that generally speaking the only person I really like is myself, and you – you’re really growing on me, my dears.
Alright! Although time is an abstract concept created by humans that has no real bearing on events, let’s try to start this year off right!
Resolutions..? It might surprise you that I’m not exactly against this clichéd tradition, in fact I might even go as far as saying I support it. I think most people get sour on resolutions because they aim too high too quickly. Take for instance the most common resolution every January, shedding some pounds. Even I will admit that all the cocktails take their toll and my body is indeed a glorious temple and I should mind it a little bit more. I know, however, I’ve never been one for hardcore workouts. There’s something about all the huffing and puffing and sweating that I can’t figure out how to do gracefully. That, and I only like to exert myself that much when there’s the possibility of an orgasm at the end. Instead, why not try something attainable, such as saving money for something you covet, or setting a goal of books to read? (You can follow my #currentlyreading this year on goodreads or Instagram, should you be so inclined.) One year, for instance, I resolved to learn how to use liquid eyeliner. What a sense of accomplishment come February! Anyway, think of it more as goal setting instead of self-improvement. You are already fabulous, or at least that’s what I’m here for.
Participate in Dry January, if you feel you must. No cocktail recipe today my dears, because as silly as I think it is, I’ll respect the efforts of those who want to participate in Dry January “for their health” and for the first time in my life try not to be a bad influence. (I am an expert hedonist, remember.) “Dry January” doesn’t even have a good ring to it, I practically have to push the words out of my mouth. (And now I’m desperately trying to avoid the obvious joke here.) Anyway, to those of you participating in Joyless January, I… support… you. (Ugh, that was hard.) I will say though that if you’re drinking too much during the month of December you’re not doing it right the rest of the year.
Remember: a compliment does not set a standard. Darling, when someone says you are accomplished or beautiful or smart or even something like “I don’t know how you do it”, any version of that, remember it’s a compliment, not an expectation you now have to live up to. I know that’s hard, love, truly. Even as The Dame I have trouble sometimes living up to my… dameliness (that’s a lie, I’m trying to be relatable). Remember that the things that make you human – like admitting you can’t spin 28 plates at once – are what makes you a real person (read that as “likeable”) and make your achievements even greater when you do attain them. This is more than some meme on some trendy Instagram account, this is the truth. You should know because I rarely get precious with you, but honestly and completely, you deserve to start the year off right, and to my mind understanding this really is part of what enables you to live fabulously.
Well, my manfriend and I are off to the VIP theatre for a movie so I must bid you all good day. He’s such a gracious man, offering to go see Aquaman so I can gawk at Jason Momoa (for what other reason is there to go see this movie?) while I have popcorn and prosecco and enjoy my entertainment sans brats. But, as I leave you to your coffees and the deluge of work emails that came in over the holidays, I’d like to share a quote I’ve been ruminating on entering this year, brought to you again by my dear friend Oscar Wilde. “It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.” Think about that. Now go charm the pants off of 2019, cookie. I believe in you.
Until next month, my pets, which I can already tell you will be very sexy… I can hardly contain my excitement.